I have got an FYP to write. Like I seriously need to write it, it’s due in a week. But the urgency is just not setting in and I continue to live my life as a useless, procrastinating pile of crap.
Like many of my fellow self-loving/loathing [delete as appropriate] millennials, I am ever so slightly addicted to social media. Which is why I’ve installed a Chrome extension to block websites like Facebook and Twitter while I’m studying.
However attempting to write a 15,000 word report has taught me that I do not need social media to be distracted. Oh no I manage just fine all by myself.
1). One of the films I had to do an analysis on was The Thomas Crown Affair from 1968. I google it to find out who the director is again. Suddenly I’m on Steve McQueen’s Wikipedia and reading about his personal life. I read that Steve McQueen was friends with Sharon Tate. I read one conspiracy theory, watch 2 documentaries and one made-for-TV movie about Charles Manson. I have written no words.
2). 22.14 – The Glucksman Library Computer Lab: I am convinced that that man skulking around the entrance is a robber. He keeps picking up different stationary items at the IT desk and surveying them with a suspicious level of interest. Now he’s walking around the computers and not sitting down at any of them. This man is definitely a robber. He’s been reading the “Quiet Please” sign for longer than possibly necessary. I try to take a picture of him for criminal evidence. I debate with 4 different groupchats about whether this man is a robber or not. I haven’t looked at my FYP yet. I look up again. Potential Robber Man has been sitting down normally at a computer typing for the last half hour. Still haven’t written any words.
3). I’ve been really focused on the signs on the door into the small computer lab. “Small Training Room” is written on a piece of paper with the Irish translation written underneath it. Seomra Oiliúna Beag. Hold on. Is that really the Irish for training? That can’t be right, I never came across that in school. We always called it….traenaíocht. I check 4 different translation websites to see if anyone agrees with me. I swear I’ve never heard the word oiliúna in my life? If I could write some words relevant to my FYP that would be great.
4). A guy just walked in and he is the absolute image of my friend David. I spend 5 minutes trying to take a snapchat without it looking like I’m taking a snapchat so I can send it to the friend group. Ah damn, he’s sitting down too far away now. Ah well he’ll need to go to the bathroom at some stage. Why haven’t I written any words yet.
5). I don’t believe it but Dictionary.com has Buzzfeed-type clickbait articles. I came here to find another word for concept and now I’m reading “10 Words To Describe Your Worst Office Enemy”. Man this is terrible and really boring content why did I click into it. Maybe “12 Insults We NEED To Bring Back” might be better. Nope, it wasn’t I don’t know what I was expecting. I need to write words and a synonym for concept is one of them.
6). I brought in a bag of Jelly Tots with me today and I’ve eaten the entire thing. When I say bag I mean one of those big pouch things they expect you to share with your friends. I can see the little image of “13 sweets = 1 serving” taunting me from over there. I tell myself not to do it but I calculate on average how many sweets are in one 150g packet. Ok so there are 7 servings in 100g. So 10 and a half in the whole thing. Man, why am I doing this. I should be googling how many Jelly Tots you can eat before you die, that’s so much more interesting. Ok no one’s conducted that research yet. I should probably write my FYP first. I went to write words but I wrote “Jelly Tots” instead.
7). Aw crap I just noticed a chocolate stain on my hoodie. Ok I can kind of cover it up with string on my hoodie. Oh wait, the strings on my hoodie are completely uneven I better devote a significant amount of time to sorting that out. Alright that’s better.
Ugh, every time I look down at my hoodie I can see the chocolate stain. I hope the guy across from me isn’t looking at me and judging my sloppiness right now. I really need to write some fucking words.
8). Oh that guy walked past me to go to the bathroom. He doesn’t actually look that much like my friend David.
9). Guess which fantastic website is not blocked by my Chrome extension? Amazon! I am in the market for a new memory key so this is actually very important and necessary work that is 100% college-related. I very much need to spend 40 minutes deciding whether I should buy a memory key shaped like a penguin or shaped like a lipstick. Ah fuck I just seen one shaped like a mini keyboard in the suggestions bar. Back to square one. Is there anything on Amazon I can buy that will write some words for me.
10). What an excellent time to learn all the lyrics to Kanye West’s verse in Monster.
11). There are two pigeons outside the window having an absolutely gas stand-off, I gotta watch this for at least 10 minutes to see how it plays out. Ok I can see this is going nowhere and these two are just not resolving their differences. If there was such a thing as bird TV, pigeons wouldn’t be the soap opera stars because they’re too ugly and annoying.
Oh my GOD, what a concept. Bird TV.
The crows would do the crime dramas and owls are in charge of the weird programmes you see at night. The fancy birds like the parrots would have fashion shows and… oh hey the library’s closing now, what the hell, when did that happen.